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Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Profiling is the practice of gathering data, analyzing it, in order that it can be categorized and produce an identity.

To profile a redneck we must examine several things associated with one.

The first thing we look at is food. If a man eats, grits, fatback, red gravy, fried taters, biscuits and eggs for breakfast, he may be a redneck.

If he has an old Ford pickup that is beat up, and he is proud of it, and it has a gun rack with a shot gun and a rifle on it, and the bed is full of beer cans, he might be a redneck.

If his gal has a tooth missing in front, and it doesn’t bother him cause he knows that redneck beauty doesn’t require teeth, this man probably is a redneck.

Now we check his dog preference; if he has either a hound dog for night hunting, or a bird dog for birds, or some fox hounds to chase foxes while a bunch of guys set around a fire, tell stories, lie and drink beer, he might be a redneck.

The last test is to check and see what kind of pocket knife he carries. If he has a stockman, he probably likes to whittle, and use it for general purposes.

If he has a muskrat, he uses it to skin small animals. He likes the convenience of two identical blades that are always sharp.

If he carries an old time Barlow, he is hard worker he stands for no foolishness and is very austere.

If he has a small tooth pick knife, it will be a hygiene tool for picking his teeth.

If he exhibits two or more of these traits you can be sure he is a redneck and GOD bless him for the time will come the only place to observe one will be in the zoo.

Preliminary census reports show that the rednecks will soon be an endangered species, and as such they should be protected by the federal government, but it seems there are no plans to do so. Government has no problem with the demise of this noble clan, but I have a plan and a solution for saving the rednecks of America.

First we find 50,000 redneck couples; each one will have 12 kids plus 1 for attrition. In the first generation the increase will be 10 fold to 500,000 couples. These will have 12 kids plus 1. This will increase the clan to 5,000,000 couples in the second generation. The third generation will have 12 kids plus 1 and the result will be 5,000,000,000 couples and these will have - - - till the time will come when we're talking real people.

The secret of this is that everybody lives on welfare, and nobody works. There is not a soul can live on less than a redneck. Home school the kids, and work the system, and wave the flag, for we have it coming to us.

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