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Sunday, May 16, 2010

I DON'T GET IT LIST

I have a long list of things I don't understand. I keep adding things to it, more often, now-a-days.

This is in part due to all the new devices being invented every day. As slow as I am in understanding things technical, it would take me 36 hours a day to keep up.

My latest thing I have added to the list is; “Why is it that every thing that I like to eat, and is bad for me, is always on sale?” My will power is not sufficient to resist these bargains. It is almost like I go into a “gotta have it trance” and don't come out of it until I get home, and I have an attack of the guilties, that I snap out of it.

Once I'm aware of what I have done, then I really feel bad. I whip myself with the verbal whips of; “How could you have done that? You absolutely cannot eat that stuff, you have wasted your money, and you will just have to give it away to someone else”. It is almost like I am two people at this point, one accusing and one defending me, “the culprit”. The accuser has so much more ammunition than the defense, and soon I emotionally sink into my dark corner, hoping I can survive this demeaning onslaught of guilt.

After some time, all has been said, and the barrage has ceased, I begin to recover some resemblance of sanity. What to do with these bargain goods, is the task that I now face. I reason this way, this is perfectly good, nutritious food and it would be a waste to throw them away. I could give it to someone else but it wouldn't be good for them and I wouldn't want to do them harm. So what I determine to do is both sane and sensible. I will use them but in reduced portions that way they will not do as much damage. After all, we know that moderation is an acceptable way to go.

I must say that this plan works very well, at least until the first bite and then I am off into another feeding trance, that I don't come out of, until it’s too late.

Fat boy that I am, I think about dieting all the time, but for some reason it only makes me hungrier than I would normally be. If thinking about dieting would make me thin, I would be as skinny as Popeye’s girl friend Olive Oil.

Once again I'm going to make a resolution. I refuse to buy any larger clothes, and will keep using the same size that I have now. I will do this even though it shuts off my blood flow, and I will not be able to breathe.

You must agree this sounds good, even though because of the weakness of the flesh, it has limited potential. Don't judge me too harshly, because sometimes I try to skip a meal, but when I do I feel like I need to call 911 and say; “Quick bring me some Snicker bars.” (By the way, they are on sale at Raleys this week!)

I dare not look in the Bible for help, because it addresses the problem of gluttony in somewhat harsher tones.

Proverbs declares; Put a knife to thy throat if thou be given to appetite. (And I add) that is better advice than, put a fork to thy mouth.

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