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Saturday, May 15, 2010


My 15 year old granddaughter was telling me, she has had several boy friends so far. This was in response to me asking, if she had a boy friend.

Then she with an air of superiority she said, “How many girl friends did you have? Well, I could see this was going to be a numbers game that I couldn't win so I said, “Only one.”

Then she replied, “If you only had one, then you must not have been very cool.”

Then a great compassion welled up within me, I couldn't have this gorgeous granddaughter thinking, her loving granddad wasn’t cool, for that would be a great put down. Especially if her friends found it out, and taunted her with this fact. Imagine someone saying; yo granddad isn't cool, oh the shame of it all.

I tried to come up with a defense for my un-coolness, and started out with these facts.

The girls in the south didn't want to have anything to do with me, because I wasn’t a full bloodied red neck, I was a half breed.

I didn’t follow the hallowed traditions of true southern reds. Even though I celebrated thanksgiving, I didn't honor hog killing day. Hog killing as practiced by the true reds, was a ritual where people would put away their pork food supply for the year.

While this might take up to a month, one particular day was the celebrated event. The day varied on the calendar because it had to be cold enough to chill the meat so as for it not to rot. While I wasn’t against the hogs having their special day, I was rejected by the true redneck girls as a suitor.

There were other girls that weren't true reds, but they also had traditions. One was they had to dip snuff by the age of five. This was so their lip could stretch as they grew, something like the practice in Africa, where they used disks in the ears and lips. By the time they were courting age, (9 or 10) they had a well developed snuff lip. I always wanted a gal without a snuff lip, so that wasn't a plus for me.

Another ritual practice was the annual bathing, which took place in July, when the river got warm enough, so as not to take your breath away. They always took this annual bath, and changed their underwear, whether they needed to or not. I always wanted a gal who would wash up more regular than that. That eliminated the available gals within walking distance, and just left me out, to do without.

Finally, in desperation I moved all the way west to the Pacific Ocean hoping I might find someone to wed. The first gal I met seemed to fit all my requirements which were; didn’t dip snuff, and washed at least once a week. Since she met those stringent requirements, I wooed, won, and wed her right away.

I hope my granddaughter now understands why I only had one girl friend.

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