Robert's Stories

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They Call Me the god Father !

 

My name is Lucas. People use different versions of the name depending on what they expect to get from this meeting.

Sometimes it is Mr. Lucas so as to add a little respect to the greeting and again it is just Lucas. Some consider me the one to come to when they have a situation they either can’t handle or don’t want to handle.

I have my own community, the law calls it a gang, or mob for convenience sake, but it is no such thing.  It is a group forced to live in close proximity to one another due to economic reasons.

For some reason, and believe me I don’t understand why but people come to me for advice. The want me to solve their problems by giving them the answers they need to make things work out for them.

Sometimes I think they must have watched the movie, “The Godfather” too many times. I get tired of people coming to me wanting answers.

If the advice doesn’t work out they blamed me. On these occasions it works out to their advantage for if they screw up they would say Lucas said to do it like this. This would shift the blame to me and there would peace in the home once again so I suppose it does some good either way.

 Another thing;

About being an advice giver was too much of it had to do with sexual things. Both men and women come to me about all kinds of issues.

Young guys come to me and say, “Hook me up with that girl” meaning help me get her into bed.  I tell them right off, “The pimps work down on 42^nd street so go down there.”

Recently I have taken a page from the Patrons of old and started to ask, “What are you going to do for me if I do this thing?”

Most of the time they can’t come up with an answer and I will say “I will let you know later what you must do for me” and they quickly agree to do whatever I say.

Usually what they want is a simple thing. I have fun with the women when they come to me with problems with their husbands in bed. They tell me their husbands aren’t good lovers and want me to clue them in as if my name was Kinsey.

I ask them what they want and they usually turn red and I say, “Oh, that’s what you want them to do?” and then it gets even funnier. I go into the routine of; “if I do this for you what are you going to do for me”? It is then they don’t know what I’m going to ask them to do and they become very uncomfortable. I don’t let them off the hook by saying; “This is a very embarrassing thing you want me to do but it will be done as you wish but someday I will call on you for payback.”

They leave thinking they have a debt they hope they won’t have to repay.

The men do the same thing wanting me to get the wives to be more responsive to their fantasy. I tell them if you want more romance then be more romantic and give them a couple of tips.  Usually a week later they come up to me and say my advice worked wonders.

Personal Economics

The next thing is a money thing where I am supposed to solve money problems for the people. Small things like whether or not to buy a new sofa are easy but then they come to wanting to borrow money from me. The last thing I want to do is to say no to their request for money but it is obvious I can’t support the whole of our community.

Each case falls into a different category it seems but one of the most frequent revolves around me getting someone to forgive a debt. Whether it is personal or business there is not much difference between them for people want to be paid. I try to work out a reasonable solution for all parties which sometimes works and sometimes not. In either case no one is completely happy but somewhat consoled.

When it comes to me loaning money to someone who asks me I give them my stock answer; “I have two kinds of money. My personal money I use for my survival and my loaning money. These are separate and I never mix them. My loan money is all loaned out but if you can get the people who have it to pay me back I will loan it to you.”  I tell them who owes me and leave it up to them to try to collect for me.

Then There Is This

A young man I have known slightly who came to me and said his girlfriend has broken up with him and he is going to kill himself. I said, “Why?”

He went on saying, “My heart is broken and I don’t want to live.”

“I must say you are wrong. Your heart isn’t broken for it is still doing what is always does which is to pump blood through your body.”

He said, “You don’t understand that was just a figure of speech.”

“You mean you’re going to kill yourself over a figure of speech? That doesn’t make any sense to me.”

He said, “Let me start over; she said she doesn’t love me anymore.”

“Then she must love you less?”

“I don’t know, maybe so.”

“It sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants and I wouldn’t kill myself because of a girl who doesn’t know what she wants.  Now let’s think about this. Do you think she will be going out with someone else in the near future?”

“Well yes, probably so.”

“Which means she is a two timer type, right? First it was you and now it will be someone else. How many before you, I bet it was several.”

“Yes I’m sure it was.”

“And was she intimate with them?”

“I suppose she was - there were a couple of guys who said she was.”

“Let me get this straight for I’m confused. You are in the middle of a long line of guys who she was overly friendly with and you’re upset because she is moving on. Doesn’t it seem more reasonable to be glad you’re rid of her? Before you answer let me ask, do you think you could get another girlfriend?”

“Yes I think so.”

“One who is as pretty as or even prettier than she?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“One who hasn’t had all the experience she has had?”

“I’m sure about that.”

“Now I could go on but isn’t it the best day of your life when you have got rid of a tramp and you are going to be looking for a real woman instead of psycho-babe?”

“You know you’re right. I didn’t know how lucky I am. I have a couple in mind, and I’m going to start working on them tonight.”

“Just remember it will take some time and effort to win over something worthwhile.”

As he left I thought, well one more problem dealt with. He will be back for either for a tune up or to tell me of his successes.

Money Matters

Perhaps you wonder if I charge for my advice and the answer is no.

People do donate small things to me but I never ask for anything. On the other hand it would be an insult to refuse a gift from people I help; so I receive it with thanks.

There is a lot of useful information that comes to my ears. Sometimes when there is a fixed horse race I manage to make a wager and sometimes I realize enough to support myself for a year or two of course that is after taxes.

Then there is the stock market. I have the reputation of guessing which stocks will go up or split or something like that. Because of my success I have been invited to talk to the SEC a time or two but I convinced them I was on the up and up.

I have purchased some prime real estate over time and am invested in some of the better Hotels. I reserve a penthouse for a weekend just for the fun of it a couple of times a year.

My Charities

A man in my position is looked to when someone is in need. This is different than someone putting the bite on me for a loan they don’t intend to pay back.  Since I know everyone in my neighborhood everything is personal.  

Even with my success making money I don’t have enough to care for the many blocks of my people.  So I have made contacts with every government agency and send the people to the department they need to be in contact with.  Sometimes I go with them and sometime it will be a local lawyer. In any case my people are cared for even though I have to get them to bend the rules a little.

My Future

Do I intend to keep on with my God-Father-ish ways?

I don’t know. I suppose I would have to move far away in order to discontinue my present way of life.

There is a certain god like quality that surrounds a man who does what I do. A similar adulation the witch doctor gets only without his trappings.

I guess my answer is; “Yes I intend to continue until my mind can no longer think clearly and give sound advice then I will pass the gauntlet to someone else and let them bear the burden.  

Next person please!”