SHOTGUN DIVORCE

This happens to be a story about a shotgun divorce. Perhaps you’ve heard of a shotgun wedding and yes, there is that also in our story.

It starts off with a young man who worked at the lumber yard in town where we live.  

Harv started working there part time when he was fourteen years old and by the time he was graduated from high school he knew everything about the yard work and also a lot about the office work.

As he finally moved up and was working in the office full time unless they needed extra help to get a load out because of being very busy.

He didn’t have what you might call a regular girlfriend but since he had money there were several girls he went out with. He didn’t get many turn downs but he wasn’t for getting serious with any of them. Harv had once dated one girl who was also dating several other guys.

Actually he didn’t want to get involved with her because she was getting a reputation for being a bit too friendly with some older men.

One Friday night a man showed up at his work with his shot gun all loaded and the hammers were back and his daughter in tow.  He said you been messing with my girl and now she is pregnant. You are either going to the Justice Of the Peace or to your grave which is it.

Well Harv being a practical young man realized denial was futile so he chose the Justice Of the Peace and off they went with the father prodding Harv with the double barrel shotgun. He made Harv come up with the five dollars for the ceremony and then said come by the house and get her clothes cause they’s all packed.

Harv did as he was told and he picked up her suitcase and they headed off. The last thing he heard her Pa say was he wanted that suit case back for it was his’un.

They got to Harv’s place and Celia said, “I want to thank you for marrying me.”

Harv said, ‘How come he thought I was the father of your child for you know it couldn’t be.”

She said, “Yeah I know but I ain’t sure whose it is and none of the ones it could be don’t have a job so I told him it was you. This seemed to make him happy for you can support me and maybe loan my Pa some money every so often.”

Harv cooked supper and they had their wedding meal.  It was time for Amos and Andy on the radio so they enjoyed the program and then she said, “Let’s go to bed. You might as well enjoy what you’re paying for.”

Harv said, “No thanks, I think I’ll wait until we get to know each other some better.”

Now Harv didn’t know it for sure but he was told by several that there were some men coming and going from his place while he was working. He let it slide and didn’t question her about it until after she had the baby boy. Then a few months later she said she was pregnant again.

Now this news gave Harv a troubling mind, because he never had a roll with her and he knew it wasn’t him that got her pregnant.

One day he took off a couple of hours early and waited outside of his house and saw a man come out who he recognized as the bankers son. Harv stopped the banker’s son and said, “You must be the one who is going to be a daddy.”

The banker’s son turned ashen white and began to deny it.

But Harv said, “Doesn’t matter you’ll do.”

Harv went over to his Father-In Law’s place and got his shotgun. He caught the banker’s son on his way out of town and said I see you have your bag packed now let’s go get Celia’s clothes.

Harv had learned how to be shotgun convincing from Celia’s father.

They got Celia and were off to the Justice Of the Peace.  When they arrived Harv said I want to get a five dollar shotgun divorce and he pulled both hammers back on the shotgun.

Celia said, “Be careful that gun has a hair trigger and sometimes goes off on its own.”

Upon hearing that the Justice said, “Yo divorce is granted, five dollars please.”

Harv said, “There is one more bit of business. These two want to get married.”

The justice quickly married them and said, “That’ll be five dollars please.”

Harv prodded the new groom and he paid for the justice’s service.  As the new bride and groom headed off Harv said, “Better hurry home and enjoy what you’ve paid for.”

Harv thought on the way to his house, “I better get married pretty soon, before someone else gets the idea that I would make a good son-in-law for their pregnant daughter.”

Finis